Archive for the ‘Word Choice, Pacing’ Category

Pocatello Writers Meeting
Marshall Public Library
June 16, 2018 3:30pm-5:30pm

Good news! We have an interesting speaker lined up for June’s mid-month meeting next Saturday. JILL JORGENSEN, who has an MFA from Bennington, has agreed to share her lecture about writing details “that are much more than added words, but details that reveal”.

We can all use tips on writing more specifically to add light and color that brings one’s writing to vivid life. You won’t want to miss this opportunity to pick up some pointers and enjoy the company of fellow writers.

Jill posted the following two links in our Facebook group forum as examples of vibrant, powerful writing. Please read her excerpts to prepare for our Saturday meeting when Jill will have more material to present and some writing prompts and fun sharing.

See you all there. In the meantime, keep in touch by joining our Facebook Open Forum at https://www.facebook.com/groups/pocatellowriters/.


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VERBS  (be lively)
Strong writers use strong verbs. Often great verbs don’t appear until later drafts. As you revise, demand more from your verbs.

Search your manuscript for all forms of the verb “to be” such as am, is, are, was, and were.  Some cannot be improved on, such as: I am legend, it was all a dream, he’s a hero, I am your mother, you are my sunshine, I am a Mormon, my wife is pregnant, it was the best of times, etc. But do change all of the wimpy, lazy ones into colorful action verbs, and watch your writing come to life:

The sun is red.
The sun burns red.

The river was swift and dangerous.
The river raged through the canyon

Minnesota is the winner.
Minnesota won!

The cat was in the garden.
The cat dozed in the garden, or
hunted butterflies, or prowled
through the cabbage patch.

Afternoon shadows were on the lawn.
Afternoon shadows darkened the lawn, or drifted across the lawn.

If the subject or object of your sentence is a noun ending in “-tion”, maybe a strong verb is buried inside it under your very nose.

The destruction of levees by floodwaters happened overnight.
Floodwaters destroyed the levees overnight.

The defense lawyer conducted an examination of the witness.
The defense lawyer questioned, badgered, or grilled the witness.

An explanation was never given.
The boss never justified my pay cut. The coach never laid out the rules.

If you need extra words or prepositional phrases to explain the action, get a stronger verb. The fewer the words, the stronger the action.

The victim experienced a loss of blood.
The victim lost blood. (better) The victim bled. (best)

He moved with a swagger.
He swaggered.

Don’t just name the action; put a subject into the picture:

The burning of the flag was the work of protestors.
Protestors burned the flag.

Likewise, sounds, smells or sights, and other description should be perceived by the character in the story or be in terms of his reaction to his world. POV description moves the story action along, which is what we want. It’s the difference between:

The spring air smelled of roses.
Jane breathed in the scent of roses on the spring air.

NOUNS  (be concrete)

Use precise terms. General nouns like road, tree, house, candy, car, dog, rocks or bushes are weak. These can be brought to vivid life by selecting more concrete or specific nouns. What kind of house? What kind of tree? What kind of candy?

The little house was surrounded by trees” is vague compared to a cabin hidden by pines, farmhouse flanked by a stand of apple trees, winery nestled among twisted olives or Italian cypress, or a Creole cottage shaded by moss-draped live oak. When you use precise terms, the reader instantly visualizes from his own experience what that little house in the trees looks like.

Likewise, saying that “the dog ran off into the bushes” doesn’t offer a very clear picture compared to the collie scampered through the sagebrush, or the pit bull dodged behind the lilacs, or a bloodhound trotted through the creek-side willows.

A small car (Mini-cooper or VW bug), piece of candy (a licorice stick or bite of Hershey bar), rocky ridges (volcanic blackrock, or sandstone cliffs), desert vegetation (cactus, sage, oasis date palms), a body of water (stream, lake, ocean, fiord).


Adjectives are used to modify nouns. Adverbs are used to modify verbs and adjectives. Use modifiers sparingly or replace them with livelier verbs or more precise nouns.

Get rid of vague adverbs like “very”. Also search for adverbs ending in “-ly”. Do you really need them? Sometimes they are useful, like in “conveniently late”, “accidentally put my foot in it”, or “overly strict parents”, but watch for the following types of weak and useless modifiers:

Completely destroyed    (can something be slightly destroyed?)
Utterly devastated         (devastated already means the worst it could be)
Totally submerged         (submerged means under water)
Slightly drunk                (high, tipsy)
He moved quickly          (did he jump, jerk, lurch, dash, run?)
She left slowly                (she plodded, meandered, dallied, strolled)
Very inept                      (clumsy, ham-fisted, useless, feckless)
Virtually a genius          (brilliant, smart, gifted, devious)

(As a side note, a common grammar mistake is to put a dash between an -ly adverb and the adjective it modifies, which is incorrect because the -ly already does the work of a dash. For example, totally-black cat is wrong and should be written as totally black cat. A dash is used only between an adjective modifying another adjective, like dark-red apple, or red-hot mama.)

Adjectives themselves can be made more precise, bringing them to vivid life in the reader’s mind, like the color names in a crayon box (Indian red, Naples yellow):

Is the water a deep, rich blue?
or translucent turquoise

Wrapped with a bright-red ribbon
crimson, scarlet, or burgundy,
shiny or velvet

She wore her pretty green sweater.
The reader can see celery green or jade green or hunter, but not pretty.


In most cases, strive to write in active voice where the Subject acts upon the Object in the sentence. Passive voice is where the subject is getting acted upon. Feel the difference between:

Everybody loved John. (active)
He was loved by everybody. (passive)

The movie inspired him.
He was inspired by the movie.

She disgusted him.
He felt disgusted by her.

The monster truck crushed his Pinto up against the barrier like an accordion.
His little car was pinned against the wall.

CONCEPTS   (don’t just name them, portray them)

If you can’t actually feel or grasp in the gut an elusive or general concept you are trying to convey in your writing, enlist the five senses (see, hear, taste, smell, touch) to bring it down to earth, or use emotion to convince the reader, or punch it up by describing a specific action that portrays or embodies the concept:

Life, work and grief (are concepts we understand intellectually)
Blood, sweat and tears (but we can actually see tears, we can smell sweat, and blood is vital to our very life.)

Don’t fire until they get very close.
Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.

The press has a lot of power.
I fear three newspapers over a thousand bayonets.

indulged in an act of generosity.
donated a $100 bill.


Use parallelism and balance for stronger effect as well. Put words on one side that exactly balance words on the other side. Which sounds better?

Of the people, by the people, and for the people.
Of, by and for the people.

Give me liberty, or give me death.
Give me liberty or death.

I came, I saw, I conquered.
I came, saw and conquered.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
It was the best and worst of times.


In addition to being lively, concrete, personal, poetic, exact and orderly, strive to be brief and be simple. The fewer your words, the greater their impact. Which of the following sentences best gets the point across?

There is a common misconception when it comes to writing that is
professional in nature that a person must write in a verbose manner
to come across as intelligent.

People often make a mistake in thinking that writing long-winded sentences with big words makes them appear smarter.

You don’t need to write a lot or use big words to sound smart.

Don’t confuse brevity with triviality. Beautiful poetry usually consists of single syllable words.

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Sherrie Seibert Goff will lead a presentation on how strong writers employ the power of WORD CHOICE.  We’ll discuss how to choose lively verbs and precise nouns, how to deal with weak or useless modifiers, and the difference between active and passive voice, as well as a few other hints to make your writing sparkle.  Sherrie will provide clear examples to illustrate each principle presented.  Join us at the Marshall Public Library 4pm-6pm and bring your expertise to the discussion.  Hope to see you there.

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Larry Farro, our summer leader, has come up with the interesting topic of GOOD DESCRIPTIONS for our June 18th meeting.

Everyone is welcome to bring a snippet of description to analyze, discuss or just enjoy during the first hour. It might be some other author’s work or your own. Also feel free to offer info or advice you think might help our writers.

I will cobble together a page of handout notes on the aspects and trade secrets of good description, gleaned from a file of gems I’ve collected over 15 years of Writers Digest, online writers forums, and observation through reading.

As usual, in the second hour we have three 15-minute slots for anyone who wants to practice public reading for the group. Please bring a dozen copies of your piece so we can follow along. (Your reading doesn’t have to relate to the meeting topic.) You can ask for feedback shared orally among the group or privately written on your handouts. Also, if you have a shortie, you might share your 15 minutes with another reader. To sign up for a reading slot, click on leave a comment below.

Hope to see you Saturday!
Sherrie Seibert Goff

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